Just published today at The Science Creative Quarterly. A tongue and cheek research piece looking at how breastfeeding (and the simple act of infants drinking milk) is a more potent gateway drug to cocaine than, say, marijuana.

“Continuing with the results from Table 1, it is important to note that toast has been used by 96 percent of current cocaine users in our sample. This shows a strong positive relationship between cocaine use and the eating of toast. Future research is necessary in this regard to identify which form of toast has the greatest predictive power—we did not ask the participants for details regarding their toast. For example, is plain toast, butter, margarine, marmalade, or jam the best predictor? Perhaps most importantly, does it matter which side of the piece of toast has any topping?

The most remarkable result is in regard to infant formula and mother’s milk. Though individually each of these substances have been used by a relatively low percentage of cocaine users, compared to the other substances, one must remember that all infants have likely had one or both of these substances. Combined together, 129.8 percent of cocaine users in our sample have had either infant formula and/or mother’s milk—this number of greater than 100 percent because a subset of our sample received both mother’s milk and infant formula because they were ravenous beasts as infants.”

From Nipping it at the Boob: The Gateway Properties of Mother’s Milk by Martin A. Andresen.