It’s a Lucky Thing for Evolutionary Biology that the Following Passages aren’t in the Bible

by David Ng


Jesus then entered the farm, and saw creatures of every shape and size, and so said to his followers, “Hey, my Dad made that creature, and that creature, and also that creature… Actually, now that I think about it, he made them all.”

And at the early dawn of the seventh day, just before He rested, God did a lot of pretty complicated things at super duper God speed. This was so that people would think the whole Creation thing probably took a lot longer than seven days.

The heavens opened and the angels proclaimed, “Fear any literate man, capable of impressive facial hair, who is uncomfortable on boats, has a thing for finches, and is named Darwin, for he is basically an unrighteous phony. So it is said in the very literal Kingdom of God.”

And the Lord said, “Yes, my child, the unicorn was a first edit. They were poorly designed so I had to do away with them – kept goring themselves when nuzzling and stuff. Indeed, not my best work.”

With Cain facing Abel, God then commanded, “Look deeply into his eye, and marvel at my handiwork, because my child, making that eye work properly, took, like, for freakin’ ever!”

And God appeared to Moses as a Burning Bush – not a monkey, but a bush. Because clearly, God is no monkey.