The tenured track job ad you’ve had nightmares about.
by David Ng
A UNIVERSITY JOB POSTING (OR BECOMING A PROFESSOR IS HARD THESE DAYS)
By DAVID NG
This is a call for outstanding candidates to apply for a tenure track assistant professor position within the context of the Michael Smith Laboratories at the University of British Columbia. The successful applicant is expected to work in areas of interest to current faculty members, to interact with related groups within our network and to have demonstrated ability in producing research material of excellent quality and interest.
Due to the competitive nature of this process, we ask that all candidates at the very least meet the following criteria:
The candidate’s current area of specialty must contain at least fourteen syllables.
The candidate’s expertise must speak naturally to collaborations with the disciplines of science history, Jungian philosophy, international peacekeeping, French Canadian politics, molecular genetics, early 80s pop music criticism, and West African cuisine.
The candidate must be able to “flex arm hang” for a minimum of twelve minutes.
The candidate must exhibit no more than two degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon.
The candidate must be able to rub their tummy and pat their head at the same time.
The candidate must be, in no uncertain terms, hot.
In addition, short listed candidates will be subjected to a rigorous interview process that will likely involve puppetry, ultimate fighting, and some interpretative dance techniques. This, of course, might be televised nationally on CBS, so it is advisable that all applicants prepare in advance for these skill sets.
The successful applicant will covet a salary that will commensurate with experience and research record, but realistically is dependant on an obligation to play as the principle string in the University’s Chinese Orchestra during the first three years of his/her track.
We will also endeavor to provide the applicant with reasonable research space, and note that we have one of the country’s best supply of camping gear, should this be an issue. We do however ask that successful candidates will themselves provide start up funds to the sum of $1000, which must be used within 48 hours. During that period, you will, of course, be wearing brightly covered overalls and have access to a skilled carpenter who will almost certainly be just as hot as you.
Our university is one of the leaders in North America with strong connections with many well regarded institutes, and we look forward to continuing this tradition with this placement. We hire on the basis of merit and are committed to employment equity. We encourage all qualified persons to apply; however citizens and permanent residents will be given priority. No losers please.