By DAVID NG

The petri plate is the work of Satan. How does God know what a petri plate is in this ancient time before the advent of scientific achievement? It is because he’s God, which is really handy for that sort of thing.

Go forth my children and use the word “embryo” whenever you can. It is a very pleasant-sounding word—say it as often as possible. In fact, my children, try this: point to anything and everything and say, “That’s an embryo.”

Mary tells us, “When a sperm and an egg come together, it represents the ultimate act of compassion and love. Therefore, it is a grievous sin to do studies on this type of thing. Plus, it’s also kind of private.”

The Lord says that our precious hearts and minds represent flesh of enormous piety. They should never be regenerated, regardless of the circumstances. While we’re at it, we should also never regenerate eyebrows, nosehairs, or nipples — although the Lord figures that that is a given anyway.

For people who have had an accident and have lost the use of their legs, it is not the way of the Lord to try to fix this pain. Instead, God will tell them, “That’s too bad.” Then he will likely tell them a good joke to make them feel better.

And Jesus said, “Liquid nitrogen is evil. Once, while playing with it, I froze my finger solid and it actually broke off. Lucky for me I’m the Son of God, and I can just grow another one.”

I wrote this back in 2005, and originally published at McSweeney’s.