I wrote this waay back in 2005. Could do with a bit of an update (I’m sure there’s a lot more in the cloning genre now…)

- – -

SETTING: A Starbucks in L.A. – three celebrities are sitting at a table with their coffees and sharing a newspaper, a fourth is walking towards the table with his coffee.

FADE IN

MICHAEL KEATON
(Approaching the table)
Man, I really need this now.

(Sits down, whilst the others nod or wave).
Is there a free section of paper?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
You vant the sports section?

MICHAEL KEATON
Sure.
(Takes the paper and starts looking at the front page)

(A few minutes of silence as everyone reads their newspaper)

HITLER
(Slams his paper down and stands up).
Dis ist terrible! As Fuehrer of the German people and Chancellor of the Reich, I cannot agree with dis. Vee must fight. Neither force of arms nor lapse of time vill conquer Germany. It ist infantile to hope for the disintegration of our people. Mr. Bush may be convinced that America vill win. I do not doubt for a single moment that Germany vill be victorious. Destiny vill decide who is right. One thing only ist certain. In the course of world history, there have never been two victors, but very often only losers.

MICHAEL KEATON
Whoa easy there Adolf. Is that de-caf you’re drinking there buddy?

PIKACHU:
Pikachu! Pikachu!

MICHAEL KEATON:
Hey, look at this, Governor Arnold. Looks like you’re in the paper today.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
I know, isn’t it swell? My biceps looked especially good on that day.

MICHAEL KEATON
(sipping his coffee)
Yeah, pretty cool, pretty cool. I’ve got to ask though, what’s it like being a Governor of California anyway?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Oh, you know, nothing special really. Besides, what makes you so sure that it is me and not my clone.
(Everyone chuckles).

HITLER
Hey, I saw Spider Man 2 yesterday – it vas really good. Hey Michael, do dat funny thing I like.

MICHAEL KEATON
You mean this.
(Grabs Arnold by the shirt lapels and pulls him close to his face)

I’m Batman!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
(Laughing)
Ya, that kills me too.

PIKACHU
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(Darth Vader, the Lord of Sith then approaches the table)

DARTH VADER
Hello Arnold, may I join you?

HITLER
(Standing up and cutting in)
I’m sorry Mr Vader, but dis table ist reserved only for celebrities who have been cloned in zee movies.

DARTH VADER
(Facing Arnold)
Your destiny lies with me Schwarzenegger. Obi-Wan knew this to be true.

(Turning to Hitler, with two raised fingers and speaking very deliberately)
I am welcome to join you for coffee.

HITLER
(In a sort of trance)
You are velcome to join us for coffee.

DARTH VADER
Here, please have my seat.

HITLER
Here, please have my seat.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Darth! Stop that now!
(Hitler shakes his head)

The ‘cyborg’ coffee group doesn’t meet until tomorrow morning.

DARTH VADER
(Turning to Arnold)
Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.

MICHAEL KEATON
(Tapping his finger on Darth Vader’s arm)
Umm, buddy, I think Arnold told you to get lost.

DARTH VADER
(Looking at everyone)
Hmmmpph, very well.

(Turns away and leaves)

MICHAEL KEATON
(Quietly)
Loser.

PIKACHU
Pffffsssstttt!

FADE OUT
.

* Michael Keaton was in “Multiplicity,” Arnold Schwarzenegger was in “The Sixth Day,” Hitler was in “The Boys of Brazil,” and Pikachu was in “Pokemon, the First Movie: Mew vs MewTwo”