I suspect the I.P.C.C. report might be more effective if it went with acronyms that were more narrative in nature.
By DAVID NG
The IPCC report1
The STWBTIPCCFARCC2013TPSB report2
The OWCGWIPCCFR report3
The YIACCAYII report4
The OKSILTRIWSHAGTATTSAAEOTSOCC report5
The BTESCCIRINAGTAAIPOF report6
The OKTIA95LTIOFBTB100ITKOATIPITSR report7
The IOWSAACASCBAT report8
The MYCSTW100CITPRBWAKHTKOSTTTO report9
The SIATITRBYKSIW report10
The FFSJRTGROALTTRACNPOI report11
The ABCIDMOLPCOAGWFDOEICFFIIFFATL report12
The SCTINFSC report13
The AAYWWMLBGOTKOSMTIIBOLWLOMMOTOACISFMAOGEOCI report14
The ASTTQIAYOBWWTIPCCIS report15
The BIYTWTFJGALBB report16
The INWTTARSIIFHSLCHUMCPBTLUIPHBSWGTGWA95CTYCAYCCAGTBMTALDWY report17
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1. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change
2. Specifically, this would be the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Fifth Assessment Report Climate Change 2013: The Physical Science Basis
3. Or we could go with Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change For Realz
4. Yes, it’s about climate change, and yes, it’s important.
5. O.K. So it’s like this report is where several hundred academics get together and try to summarize all available evidence on the science of climate change.
6. Basically the evidence says: climate change is real, it’s not a good thing; and also, it’s partly our fault.
7. O.K. Technically, it’s a 95% likelihood that it’s our fault, but that’s because 100% is the kind of assessment that isn’t possible in the scientific realm.
8. In other words: scientists are as certain as scientists can be about this.
9. Maybe you can say things with 100% certainty in the political realm, but we all know how those kinds of statements tend to turn out.
10. Seriously, it’s all there in the report. Because, you know… Science, it WORKS.
11. For fuck’s sake, just read the goddam report! Or at least try to read a credible news piece on it.
12. And by credible, I don’t mean outlets, lobbyists, political commentary or advocacy groups where funding directly or even indirectly comes from folks invested in fossil fuels and the like.
13. Scientific conspiracy? There is no fucking scientific conspiracy.
14. Also, ask yourself: who would most likely be guilty of that kind of spin? Messaging that is influenced by oil lobbyists with lots of marketing money? Or thousands of academics conspiring in secret faculty meetings and organizing grand exchanges of covert information?
15. Anyway, screw this. The question is, are you on board with what the IPCC is saying?
16. Because if yes, then wonderful! The future just got a little bit better…
17. If no? Well then, that’s a real shame. Isn’t it funny how scientific laws can help us make climatology predictions, but they’re less useful in predicting human behavior? Still, we’re going to go with a 95% certainty that your children and your children’s children are going to be more than a little disappointed with you.
(Originally published at the Science Creative Quarterly)