Assorted Rays, Ranked According to Coolness.

by David Ng

An old silly piece of mine originally published at MonkeyBicycle. (Yes, I know Ray Charles wasn’t included, but he’s the one Ray I respect too much to make fun of)

By DAVID NG

6.
Ray Romano

Is it just me or is this guy too funny? I mean, that thing he does with his TV mom and wife just cracks me up. Plus, he once made $50 million bucks in one season, which is totally cool, and is in no way the reason for putting him on this list. Too bad about the TV kid twins, though – I mean, what’s up with their foreheads being so massive? It doesn’t look natural.

5.
Cosmic Rays

These are the rays that gave the Fantastic Four their powers. But even cooler – in astrophysics, they are basically high-energy outer space particles that make their way to the Earth. How awesome is that! It’s like they’re all around all the time. Plus, I did some reading on them and found out that the most energetic recorded was 1020 eV! I don’t even know what an eV is, but its got to be pretty cool. Also, 1020 is one big number – that’s a one with 20 zeros behind it. Once in my car, I even tried counting to it, but only made it to 214. I think I could have made it all the way but True by Spandau Ballet came on the radio and I hate that song.

4.
Ray Bans

These sunglasses are as cool as it gets. Unfortunately, I already wear prescription glasses. This means that when I put on a pair of Ray Bans, I either have to put them right on top of my prescription glasses, or alternatively I take my prescription glasses off first, put the Ray Bans on, and then put my prescription glasses on top of them (I can’t see without them). Anyway, I don’t think this is how Ray Ban intended it, but I suppose this is why it’s not at the number one spot.

3.
Stingrays

How awesome are these fish? They swim with those kick ass pectoral fins and have a nasty serrated sting that – get this – is coated with toxic venom. I’m a bit surprised there’s no TV show for them – you know, like Flipper, except when you piss it off, it might kill you. I mean, if that’s not prime time then I don’t know what is. Or it could even be like a comedy because, did you know a Stingray’s eyes are on the top side and its mouth is on the bottom side? That’s right, people; the poor fish can’t see what it’s eating! Man, that kind of comedy just writes itself.

2
The “Re” in “Do Re Mi”

O.K. so not technically a “ray” – but this one rocks! First, am I the only one who thinks Julie Andrews was pretty hot back then? More so, when you realize that she’s playing the guitar for real in the movie – double score! On top of that, there the whole “drop of golden sun” line, which I’m guessing is in reference to that whole quantum physics wave-versus-particle thing – it’s a shame that whole subplot was edited out of the movie. Some nuclear explosions would have really taken that movie to whole different level.

1.
(Tie) Gamma Rays and X-Rays

I’ve decided that these two rays are tied for first place, because you know what? Sometimes, in physics land, they are actually the same thing! Although, you could probably care less since maybe that, in itself, is not that cool. But how awesome are x-rays? You can see your teeth and bones, for Christ’s sake! Plus, you have to wear lead aprons when you work with the stuff, and nothing say’s “ladies man” like a kicking lead apron. And gamma rays – did you know these are the babies that gave us the Incredible Hulk? Although what’s up with his shirts always ripping to shreds and his pants always staying together? I thought your gluteus muscles are supposed to be the biggest in the human body. Anyway, I’m not actually complaining – it’s not like the Hulk is hot like Julie Andrews or anything, although he does look like the sort of dude who would also have a problem with Spandau Ballet.

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